Donald Trump, the man who perfected "the art of the
deal" is now negotiating perhaps his biggest deal ever. The maverick
real estate developer is currently in talks with Afghani tribal leaders
to purchase their country and subsequently rename it Trumpistan.
At a press conference in Kabul this week, Trump laid out
detailed plans to completely rebuild the country's crumbling
infrastructure within 15 months. According to Trump, he will transform
Afghanistan into a world- class property complete with hotels, casinos,
golf courses and luxury condominium units built directly into the caves.
"When everybody goes left, I go right. When everyone zigs, I zag.
This is an enormous opportunity and the next logical extension of the
Trump brand. Look, Las Vegas was a barren desert too before visionary
risk-takers saw its potential," explained the billionaire mogul.
In return for ownership of the country, Trump has promised tribal
leaders fully comped weekends at his proposed Trump Caves & Casino
resort, plus tickets to the next heavyweight champion boxing bout there.
Trump's casino will also be home to extravagant events
such and the Miss Teen Trumpistan Pageant, where young women will
compete for modeling contracts. "I am proud to have the opportunity to
help liberate these lovely lasses from their burquas.
Personally, I can't wait for the swimsuit competition," said the lecherous mogul.
Additional plans for the corporate-owned and operated nation include
replacement of the country's currency with the trumpee.
The hundred-trumpee bill will feature Donald's portrait, while lesser
denominations will depict bikini-clad supermodels the playboy tycoon has
dated.
Not surprisingly, Trump's proposal has raised eyebrows
in Washington. "I don't care who he is or how much money he has. He just
can't buy countries like they were buildings or girlfriends,"
said Secretary of State, John Kerry.
But Trump was quick to respond. "If the Obama administration can offer
the Afghan people a better deal, let them do it. Fact is, only I have
the know- how to turn a distressed property into one of the most
spectacular pieces of real estate anywhere. I've got the backing of the
banks, the financiers, and Ironworkers Union Local 714."
But even if he can overcome domestic roadblocks, Trump still faces
the ire of worldwide Islamic factions who frown upon gambling, alcohol,
and unveiled women, let alone showgirls. "If there's one thing I've
learned in my years as a businessman," Trump counters, "it's that
everybody has a price. Never underestimate what people will do for
money. Once the Trumpistanis experience the wealth and prosperity my
venture will bring them, they will quickly forget an old, antiquated
ideology like Islam."
When asked about the country's poverty and hunger
problems, Trump was quick to respond. "Development will generate more
jobs and opportunity than these sheep and goat herders have seen in a
thousand years. Once building is complete there will be a great demand
for busboys, bell hops, chamber maids, croupiers, golf caddies, and a
slew of donkey drivers. And with 3- trumpee, 99-cent all-you-can-eat,
around-the-clock buffets, no one will ever go hungry in Trumpistan," the
mogul vowed.
Whether Trump's proposed Central Asian Shangri-La gets off the ground remains to be seen. Afghani tribal leaders are expected to make a decision within 30 days, after they return from their all-expense-paid junket to Trump's Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.
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