by Mitch Lemus
Among the thousands of structures destroyed that fateful day was Fukushima's Hello Kitty factory. Just 2.5 miles from the crippled nuclear reactor, the factory was bombarded by massive amounts of radiation before flood waters washed hundreds of thousands of Hello Kitty dolls out to sea.
According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the dolls have been drifting across the Pacific ever since, and are now washing up on shorelines up and down the west coast.
But there's something horribly amiss about these Hello Kitties: gross deformities, the apparent result of extreme radiation exposure that has altered the dolls' molecular structure.
Abnormalities include glowing two-headed Hello Kitties with Cyclops eyes, multiple appendages, excessive whiskers, and nipples for noses. Some Hello Kitties have even grown mouths, a body part they were not originally designed with.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has issued a warning to adults and children alike to stay away from the mutant Hello Kitty dolls which are emitting the radioactive isotope Cesium 137 at twenty times the safety limit.
Despite the dangers, people still can't seem to get enough of the iconic feline characters, even when transformed into monstrous Godzilla-like anomalies. Contaminated Hello Kitties have been top sellers on eBay and Craigslist, and at flea markets and dollar stores where they're being peddled as discounted 'irregulars.'
Thelma McBride of Eugene, Oregon, bought contaminated Kitties for both her children for just $2.79 each. 'Look, my kids already eat Monsanto's irradiated corn from the A&P, and they're doing just fine," she said. "A little more radiation ain't gonna kill 'em. Plus, these toys are cheap, and in times like these, every dollar counts."
Seizing on the opportunity, Sanrio, Hello Kitty's manufacturer, will soon be repurposing the toxic toys as a new line of characters called Teenage Mutant Hello Kitties. "The dolls' radioactive emissions are no higher than those absorbed by the typical teenager using an iPhone 16 hours a day," contends Suki Yamamoto, Sanrio's vice president of marketing.
Meanwhile, Iran has confirmed reports that they've intercepted thousands of "hot" Hello Kitties drifting in international waters. But they deny any plan to extract their uranium to produce nuclear weapons. According to Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the dolls will be used for peaceful purposes only.
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Copyright © Mitch Lemus